6:18 -- Double by Sheffield (3-0, Yankees), followed by a two-run homer from the Giambino (5-0, Yankees). Wow. A rattled Robertson looks like he's starring in the next "wanna get away?" commercial. And if you don't think A-Rod's getting a hit right now, you're obviously not familiar with his work.
6:19 -- A-Rod singles. Classic. In his own inimitable way, he's the most reliable athlete in sports. That prompts a phone call from my gleeful buddy JackO, who says "Yankee baseball!" again and again. I quickly hang up on him.6:40 -- Enjoyable in-game interview with Joe Torre. He was positively gregarious. And why not? He's leading by five runs. By the way, Buck just said that Randy Johnson received an epidural last week to relieve pain in his back, which is what they give pregnant women right when they're delivering. I don't even have a joke here.
6:46 -- And the Tigers are on the board! Monroe just homered to dead center; 5-1, Yanks. Since Leyland can't smoke in the dugout, he's eating cigarettes three at a time right now.
6:56 -- Let's make this clear once and for all: the question isn't "what if a comedian ran for president?" It's "what if somebody was dumb enough to make a movie where Robin Williams played a comedian who ran for president?"
7:10 -- True or false: Carlos Guillen borrowed Carlos Boozer's chest hair for tonight's game.
(Answer: False. It's his own chest hair.)
7:30 -- Is it considered a step up or a step down when you replace Scooter the Talking Baseball with Tommy Lasorda? You got me.
And Game 1 of the Dodgers-Mets:
1:04 -- Remember when I questioned the ad people working for Holiday Inn? Well, they just ran an ad featuring Joe Buck. In your lifetime, will anyone ever say to his family while pulling off a highway exit: "Apparently Joe Buck likes Holiday Inn ... let's just stay there?" I say no.(note: it's "couldn't")
1:04 -- Today's announcers: Gary Thorne, Steve Phillips and Joe Morgan, who will leave after the game with a police escort so he can announce Game 2 of tonight's Yankee series. If you ask me, that's a lot of Joe Morgan. I mean, a LOT of Joe Morgan. But you didn't ask me.
1:15 -- After the A's beat the Twins, Gary Thorne moves the audience to ESPN by telling us, "For those of you on ESPN2, we're gonna take you to poker ... " Wait, they're showing poker on TV now? When did this happen?
1:50 -- Kenny Lofton strikes out on three pitches and looks overmatched. Morgan credits Maine's "live fastball." Yeah, that was it. See, this is why I should never be allowed near a broadcast booth, I would have made a joke like, "Lofton hasn't looked this overwhelmed since Satchel Paige struck him out six times in a row in 1932."
2:01 -- Now here's a guy who just doesn't give a crap: JD Drew. He carries himself with the intensity of a grocery bagger. It's amazing. He couldn't care less. Or, he could care less. Whatever's grammatically correct.
2:04 -- Actual quote from Joe Morgan: "I always thought Grady Little did a great job, even with Boston, with the exception of the Pedro incident." That's like saying, "I always thought Britney Spears had pretty good taste in men, with the exception of K-Fed."
2:19 -- Morgan: "The most important inning in a game is the inning after you take the lead." You know what? I'm still going with the ninth inning is the most important inning of the game. Thanks, though.
2:26 -- Two guys on, one out in the fifth ... and Willie pulls Maine so Pedro Feliciano can pitch to Cool Papa Lofton. That's followed by the obligatory post-commercial shot of Maine being consoled in the dugout with one of those, " ... but Dad said I could pitch at least five innings!" pouts on his face, then Feliciano easily striking out Lofton. Enjoyable sequence. Well-played by Willie. He's my favorite manager of the playoffs so far. Plus, I'm almost positive that he played Dudley on "Different Strokes."
2:29 -- Chad Bradford gets a Nomar grounder to end the fifth. This ex-Red Sox thing isn't even funny anymore. Meanwhile, Joe Morgan says goodbye to Thorne and Phillips -- he's headed to Yankee Stadium for tonight's game. I wait for Joe to point out, "If you have a police escort, that means you get to Yankee Stadium faster" or "the big difference between Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium is that the Yankees play in Yankee Stadium." Doesn't happen.
3:05 -- Tim Robbins makes a cameo in the booth. He's a Mets fan. Does this mean that Andy Dufresne was a Mets fan then? I want to throw up.
3:47 -- Easy eighth inning for Aaron Heilman. He's good. Hold on, Ruby Tuesday is about to change our perception of what a burger should be. (Waiting.) Nope. Didn't happen.