Christmas Shoes

Warning: If you don't like sarcasm, don't read this post. From the blog, What Christians Like:

Does the whole world know about the song "Christmas Shoes?" I assume this tender ditty about a boy trying to buy pretty shoes for his mama in case she dies and meets Jesus, is an international smash hit. Maybe it hasn't spanned the globe yet though so I posted a video clip of it below.

According to the Internet, which is always 100% accurate, this song took four years to write. I have a hard time believing that because it has the air of three songwriters sitting in a "cheesy song laboratory," trying to concoct the most emotionally manipulative song ever. And when I hear it come on the radio I immediately rip my stereo out of the dashboard and throw it in a river. If I'm not near a river, a small "crick" will suffice.

But what if I'm wrong? What if it's actually the greatest song ever written? What if despite all my sarcasm and all the other great blogs that have already joked about this song, it's actually the most important song our generation has ever experienced? What if Christmas Shoes is the greatest song ever written?

Here are five reasons I think that might be true:

1. You can sing it to every other Christmas song.
This year, I've secretly been playing a game of "What would Christmas Shoes sound like if it was another song" in my head. For instance, Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you?" That one becomes "All I want for Christmas is Shoes." Or, "Carol of the Bells," the Ding Dong song becomes "Here are some shoes, these are some shoes, do you like my shoes, my mama's shoes?" Try it, it works with any song.

2. It's got its own movie.
Name me three other Christmas songs that have been turned into “made for television movies” starring Hollywood's Rob Lowe? You can't, can you. (Sure, Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman are songs and movies, but was Lowe in either of those?) Here's how CBS describes it, “In this heartwarming holiday drama, a workaholic attorney crosses paths with a young boy on Christmas Eve and rediscovers the true meaning of love, life and the holiday season." Wow, that's powerful right there.

3. It's got its own book.
I really hope that when my book comes out in 2010 someone will make a song version. (Preferably to the tune of Prince's "When Doves Cry," "This is what it sounds like when you side hug.") You know you've got a good song when there's a book version as well, even though Publisher's Weekly describes the book as "Two couples find their lives transformed by a Christmas gift in a gooey holiday parable that leaves no stone unturned in its pursuit of tear-jerking moments." I promise my book will not be gooey.

4. A little kid sings at the end of the song.
Who doesn't like that? We Christians love when a chorus of children come in at the end of a song. Especially if it's a sweet little kid that says "mama." As I've said before, if I ever have an audio book made of something I write, I'm going to have a really adorable third grader read the last chapter. Hopefully, Christopher Walken will agree to read the first 20, but to close it out on a strong note, I feel an 8-year old is in order. At least I get that sense from all of the Christian songs that end with a choir of kids.

5. It's played fairly often on Christian radio during the holidays.
It's available. Don't you hate when you hear about something good and you can never find it? You google it and ask your friends and no one knows where to direct you to enjoy this magical thing you're looking for? Don't worry about that happening with the Christmas Shoes song. It's currently played every other song on some Christian radio stations. So it's easy to find. That's a nice thing, right?

OK, I confess, I don't love that song, but I do wish I was signed up for the iTunes affiliate program and not just the Amazon.com one, because right now, I imagine readers are buying the Christmas Shoes song like some sort of delicious hot cake. And with the money I earned I'd probably buy my cat Sir Scratch a Lot, some new feline fancy feet socks in case he meets Jesus tonight. He was hit by a car while saving a wheelbarrow full of orphans and nuns that was stuck in the middle of the street. I think this might be his last Christmas with us and those socks are just his style.