Chuck Norris

I always enjoy some good Chuck Norris jokes:

• When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
• Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion, now Neo is “The Two”.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris always knows where Waldo is. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is so hard to find.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
• Every year on his birthday Chuck selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
• When Chuck Norris Does Long Division there is Never a Remainder
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swipe a card at an ATM, He just stares and the ATM empties itself.

THESE JUST IN!

• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records appendix it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
• When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• Chuck Norris keeps a pillow under his gun.
• Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a full CLIP and wins.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Chuck Norris can fry ants with a magnifying glass. At night.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t love Raymond.
• Superman has Chuck Norris PJs.
• Chuck Norris can make a snowman. From rain.

(HT: Vitamin Z)

Saved By The Bell Reunion

It's been a while since I blogged about ... well, anything. But this was just too good to pass up:

A Song For Earth Day

In honor of Earth Day (hope you didn't forget to get your wife an eco-friendly gift like a box of dirt or a bag of mulch), my all-time favorite environmentalist song, which I first posted back in June of 2007:

Take a listen:


Here are the full lyrics, if you want to play it again and sing along:

Please don't melt our glaciers
Please don't kill us all
Please don't destroy our atmosphere
The sun will kill us all

Global warming
It's not just a prediction anymore
It's not just a prediction anymore
It's true
Help

Bush is such an idiot (I know)
He won't sign the Kyoto Treaty
Why doesn't he care?
Why won't he help?

Global warming
It's not just a prediction anymore
It's not just a prediction anymore
It's true
Help

Icebergs are falling into the ocean
The ozone layer is thinning
Make good choices
Don't use so many resources
Every single day
Don't drive your car as much
Find alternatives
Don't be careless
Recycle
Don't use so much electricity
Don't use styrofoam
Be friendly to the earth
It will be friendly back

Global warming
It's not just a prediction anymore
It's not just a prediction anymore
It's real
Help

If that's not enough, I've got a fair amount of posts regarding global warming.

I Don't Drink Beer

I always enjoy a good spoof:

(HT: Vitamin Z)

Warning Against Chronological Snobbery

C.S. Lewis has been credited with coining the phrase "chronological snobbery." Dr. Art Lindsley, a Senior Fellow of the C.S. Lewis Institute, writes:

One of the often-heard objections to faith in Christ is that it is old fashioned or outmoded, a relic of the distant past and therefore easily discarded. After all, what could a two-thousand-year-old faith have to say to us in the twenty-first century?

This was one of the obstacles that C.S. Lewis had to overcome in order to come to faith in Christ. He dubs the problem as one of “chronological snobbery.” His friend Owen Barfield often argued with him on this issue. Lewis’s question was: How could this ancient religion be relevant to my present setting? Lewis defines this chronological snobbery as “the uncritical acceptance of the intellectual climate of our own age and the assumption that whatever has gone out of date is on that count discredited.”

(Quoted from C.S. Lewis on Chronological Snobbery)

Here's a lighthearted look at the problem of chronological snobbery:


(HT: Tim Challies)

Inauguration News

I enjoyed these brief stories from the Onion:

Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen
WASHINGTON—Moments after witnessing the historic inauguration of President Barack Obama Tuesday, the massive, euphoric crowd shifted to the White House gates to watch the rest of his four-year term unfold. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the new president administrate as it happens," said Hawaii resident Matt Rogers, who paid a scalper $100 to secure his portion of sidewalk until January 2013. "These first 100 days will really set the tone for his presidency, and I'm going to see it all from 50 yards away." This is reportedly the largest crowd of presidential spectators to assemble since 1974, when 20 million Americans stood for six months outside disgraced former president Nixon's home in San Clemente, CA just to rub it in.

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Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath
WASHINGTON—Network news cameras covering Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony Tuesday captured Hillary Clinton silently moving her lips along with each word of the minute-long presidential oath of office. As she stood watching several yards from Chief Justice John Roberts, the former Democratic presidential candidate could be observed placing her left hand on a leather appointment book and raising her right hand slightly from her hip. Clinton, who carefully followed the swearing-in procedure with her eyes shut tightly, only varied from the president's words once, when she soundlessly mouthed her name instead of Barack Obama's. Clinton was later seen at an inaugural ball pretending she was dancing with first lady Michelle Obama.

A Little Perspective, Please

I'm a complainer, and am an impatient person, especially when it comes to seemingly minor things. Comedian Louis CK provides some perspective on our selfish, thankless, impatient society:

(HT: Vitamin Z)

Christmas Shoes

Warning: If you don't like sarcasm, don't read this post. From the blog, What Christians Like:

Does the whole world know about the song "Christmas Shoes?" I assume this tender ditty about a boy trying to buy pretty shoes for his mama in case she dies and meets Jesus, is an international smash hit. Maybe it hasn't spanned the globe yet though so I posted a video clip of it below.

According to the Internet, which is always 100% accurate, this song took four years to write. I have a hard time believing that because it has the air of three songwriters sitting in a "cheesy song laboratory," trying to concoct the most emotionally manipulative song ever. And when I hear it come on the radio I immediately rip my stereo out of the dashboard and throw it in a river. If I'm not near a river, a small "crick" will suffice.

But what if I'm wrong? What if it's actually the greatest song ever written? What if despite all my sarcasm and all the other great blogs that have already joked about this song, it's actually the most important song our generation has ever experienced? What if Christmas Shoes is the greatest song ever written?

Here are five reasons I think that might be true:

1. You can sing it to every other Christmas song.
This year, I've secretly been playing a game of "What would Christmas Shoes sound like if it was another song" in my head. For instance, Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you?" That one becomes "All I want for Christmas is Shoes." Or, "Carol of the Bells," the Ding Dong song becomes "Here are some shoes, these are some shoes, do you like my shoes, my mama's shoes?" Try it, it works with any song.

2. It's got its own movie.
Name me three other Christmas songs that have been turned into “made for television movies” starring Hollywood's Rob Lowe? You can't, can you. (Sure, Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman are songs and movies, but was Lowe in either of those?) Here's how CBS describes it, “In this heartwarming holiday drama, a workaholic attorney crosses paths with a young boy on Christmas Eve and rediscovers the true meaning of love, life and the holiday season." Wow, that's powerful right there.

3. It's got its own book.
I really hope that when my book comes out in 2010 someone will make a song version. (Preferably to the tune of Prince's "When Doves Cry," "This is what it sounds like when you side hug.") You know you've got a good song when there's a book version as well, even though Publisher's Weekly describes the book as "Two couples find their lives transformed by a Christmas gift in a gooey holiday parable that leaves no stone unturned in its pursuit of tear-jerking moments." I promise my book will not be gooey.

4. A little kid sings at the end of the song.
Who doesn't like that? We Christians love when a chorus of children come in at the end of a song. Especially if it's a sweet little kid that says "mama." As I've said before, if I ever have an audio book made of something I write, I'm going to have a really adorable third grader read the last chapter. Hopefully, Christopher Walken will agree to read the first 20, but to close it out on a strong note, I feel an 8-year old is in order. At least I get that sense from all of the Christian songs that end with a choir of kids.

5. It's played fairly often on Christian radio during the holidays.
It's available. Don't you hate when you hear about something good and you can never find it? You google it and ask your friends and no one knows where to direct you to enjoy this magical thing you're looking for? Don't worry about that happening with the Christmas Shoes song. It's currently played every other song on some Christian radio stations. So it's easy to find. That's a nice thing, right?

OK, I confess, I don't love that song, but I do wish I was signed up for the iTunes affiliate program and not just the Amazon.com one, because right now, I imagine readers are buying the Christmas Shoes song like some sort of delicious hot cake. And with the money I earned I'd probably buy my cat Sir Scratch a Lot, some new feline fancy feet socks in case he meets Jesus tonight. He was hit by a car while saving a wheelbarrow full of orphans and nuns that was stuck in the middle of the street. I think this might be his last Christmas with us and those socks are just his style.

Election Aftermath

I know - I'm late. As a blogger, I failed to live up to my contractual obligation to write about the election either Tuesday night or Wednesday. Since I've already failed, I'll just rip off others. First, the lighter side, from the Onion:


Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

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And now, for something completely different. Thabiti Anyabwile posted the following as a guest post at Between Two Worlds. I've reproduced it here in full because I couldn't leave any of it out:

Thabiti Anyabwile is Senior Pastor of First Baptist Church in Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands, and blogs at Pure Church. He is the author of three books: The Faithful Preacher, The Decline of African American Theology, and What Is a Healthy Church Member? He lives with his wife and three children in Grand Cayman.

I remember as a middle-schooler watching the film, “The Day After.” It was, at the time (the height of the Cold War), a rather alarming film about the prospect of nuclear war. We watched with rapt attention as mushroom clouds, frantic citizens, traffic jams, blinding light, and nuclear fallout destroyed “life as we knew it.”

It strikes me that many Christians have been watching this election like middle-schoolers fearfully paralyzed at their first look at nuclear realities. Our fear of nuclear destruction was warranted. The Christian anxiety about this election is not.

So it’s the day after the election, and your candidate didn’t win. Aside from the natural nauseating post-game let-down feeling, what are you to think and feel? Here are a few quick thoughts:

1. Remember that President Barack Obama is not just the first African-American president, he is also the 44th white President. There will no doubt be many associations made between his skin color, assumptions about his race, and a host of successes or failures during his presidency. But let us Christians avoid such errors. Let us avoid saddling this one man with the responsibility of representing a “race” of people, or saddling the people with this one man’s failures or achievements. Let us be good theologians and attribute all that President Obama is to either his fallen nature or to the work of grace in his life. We may all celebrate in his achievement, and we may all recognize in him things fundamental to human nature—not to “race.” His presidency is as much a testament to the progress of all Americans as it is a proud moment for African Americans.

2. Keep working on the issues you care most passionately about. There is no reason to think that President Barack Obama can overthrow the will and work of God in the world. So what if he is the most pro-choice/pro-abortion candidate in history? Isn’t God still the most pro-life God in all creation? The man in the presidency has changed; our Lord has not. So we keep laboring in the cause of justice knowing that the Sovereign Lord is just as likely (maybe more likely!) for His glory to do with a President Obama—who so clearly opposes his will in many areas—greater things on the abortion front than He might do with a professing Christian president. God may yet bring to Himself more glory in prevailing on the abortion issue by making the most sizeable and godward progress during the administration of one who is so decidedly against His will! That would be just like Him: raise the opposition to demonstrate more His glory. Put your hope in the living God!

3. Pray for those in authority over you. No really; pray for him. Consider that when Paul instructs the church to pray for those in authority he then directly connects such prayer with the ability of the church to “live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness” (1 Tim. 2:1-2). One wonders how much of the peace- and godliness- and holiness-destroying circumstances in our country stem from the absence of prayer for those in authority. Our prayer meetings are empty. Our pastoral and personal prayers are self-centered. We barely feel the urging emphasis of Paul when he assigns “first of all” importance to “requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving” on behalf of our leaders. Can there be any wonder that our leaders so often serve themselves and not the people? And can any man stand against the will and power of God when the Lord’s people really pray for them? No they cannot. Really; they cannot. Pray for President Obama with the full assurance of faith.

So, it’s the day after the election. Things have changed, in some obvious and more subtle ways. But Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever! God’s election of you, if you’re a Christian, has not changed. His purpose to conform you to Christ has not changed. You really have won all that matters for eternity. That’s not to downplay the importance of some issues discussed in this election. But really, if McCain had won, how would your day today be in reality any different than your day yesterday? The laws today would be the same laws yesterday. Your work would still be before you. You haven’t lost any ground yet. Perhaps you’ve been given greater incentive to pray, reminded of what matters eternally, and in those things shone a more fruitful path forward. The Lord omnipotent reigns. Rejoice in full assurance!

Rock Yo Mama!

Just a couple of videos to get in the mood for President Rock Yo Mama (at least that's how my nearly 2 year old son says it) and the United Socialist States of America:





The first video would be a lot funnier if it were a Saturday Night Live sketch instead of an actual United States Senator (Charlie Rangel of New York).

Marxism

My brother's looking forward to Marxism. I'm looking forward to Obamanation. (Can someone ask John Hagee if Daniel 9:27 is supposed to read "... an Obamanation that causes desolation ..."?) We're just not sure what kind of Marxism we might be facing. Here's what my brother prefers:

Campaign Video

I've posted a couple of these before, but here's a compilation of funny clips from the campaign trail, put together by Trevin Wax:

Ouch! Obama slips up and talks about his “Muslim Faith” instead of Christian faith in an interview on ABC.

John McCain promises to veto beer. Prohibition anyone?

At a campaign rally, Joe Biden tells wheelchair-bound Chuck Graham to stand up. I know people say Obama is a Messiah, but this might be a little too much!

McCain claims Putin is President of Germany.

Terry Moran on Nightline goofs up and says Barack Obama has two dads. Yes, that would definitely go down in the history books.

Obama has visited all 57 states of America.

McCain’s going after Osama to the gates of hell. I wonder if he’ll have that smile on his face once he gets there.

Barack Obama introduces Joe Biden as the next president of the United States.

McCain sings “Bomb Iran” and then tells reporters who question him to lighten up and “get a life.”

Obama gets lost without a teleprompter.

Don't Buy Stuff You Can't Afford

Some good advice, from an SNL skit:

If only our government heeded this outrageous advice.

Blogging

From Despair.com:

Emotional Hippies

Words don't do this justice:

The Onion

If you enjoy satire, then The Onion is the place for you. Check out this "story" from week 1 of the NFL season:

V.P. Candidate or Fletch Wannabe?

This sounds like a scene from a Fletch movie. To set it up: Chuck Graham, whom Senator Biden addresses, is a Missouri state Senator. He's a paraplegic, and therefore confined to a wheelchair.

No, John Piper Hasn't Joined a Gang

From Josh Harris's blog:

My friend Kirk emailed this picture of one of one the girls from his church with John Piper at New Attitude. Evidently she asked him to do a "W" for the "word of God" since that was the theme of the conference. Kirk pointed out that of course Piper had no idea he was also flashing the "Westside" gang symbol. Represent!

Political Songs

While these videos aren't "official" campaign videos, Mike Huckabee's "HuckChuck Facts" has some competition for my favorite political video ever. If you have some time to waste, listen to the words of these songs:

Higher Learning?

I love this. A student at Ohio State University shows the amazing education available in the institution's journalism department. Junior Frank Blechschmidt writes about Glenn Beck, and how his "slanderous antics pollute airwaves, TV":

On his radio show Wednesday, Beck went on about a 20-minute rant on how Hillary Clinton is a racist and anyone who supports her or her policies is probably one too.

His proof? First, he said her policy to remove troops from Iraq is racist and only benefits whites because the Army is 71 percent white and only 11 percent black. Next, he said her policy to raise taxes on the rich clearly hurts minorities and the "American Dream" because seven of the top 10 richest professional athletes are black and one is Hispanic.

He also had similar outrageous claims of racism in regard to health care reform. Finally, he even went as far as to contend Hillary's lack of support for oil and coal companies has some underlying racist sentiment as well (because oil and coal are black).

If the oil & coal companies part doesn't finally have you convinced that Glenn was not being serious, you're not alone. (I'm not even not going to not try to clean up the multiple negatives in that sentence. I'm not that unintelligent. Or am I?) Blechschmidt wasn't convinced, either:

In reality, Beck is just the latest in a long line of conservative spin doctors. These pundits will always be around and that is fine - it is a free country. I just hope anyone listening to his or similar shows during this election season will think critically before they start believing everything they hear. Most college students can easily find the flaws in these skewed arguments, but there are so many Americans who will believe anything.

I haven't read anything this unintentionally funny in quite some time. Thanks, Buckeyes!

UPDATE: If you want to, you can read the transcript of Glenn's original "racist" comments here.

UPDATE II: Check out some of the 300+ comments on Blechschmidt's article. Funny stuff.